eBook: Wavering in Quest of the Kingdom Which Cannot Be Moved

We experience many fluctuations in the spiritual life. We oscillate between an increase and a decrease of our strength and inspiration to pray; between states of spiritual bliss, when we control our nature and easily avoid sin, and states of inner aridity, when we are bereft of grace and cannot help yielding to sin. Sometimes, we feel the action of grace tangibly within us, while other times grace departs and we are left desolate. However, even when we fail to acquire divine love, we nevertheless succeed in one respect: we realise our spiritual poverty, we become contrite and humble, and then we can connect with Christ more easily. The awareness of our desolation is the foundation of every spiritual ascent. Many often confess: ‘I have no stability. I go up and down all the time?’ But, in fact, this is a training in the way of Christ Who first descended to hell and then ascended above all heavens. God allows this instability; even His most zealous disciples go up and down all the time like a pendulum. At their lowest point they attain humility, before rising again to learn a new mercy, a new grace.

— Excerpt from: Wavering in Quest of the Kingdom Which Cannot Be Moved (p. 13)

We do not even need stability. The instability we experience teaches us a great mystery. Every time we go down and feel desolate, we are humbled. If we accept this humility, the Lord gives us the grace to rise up. However, we are not able to keep this grace and we go down again. We desperately need to learn this path, descending to the depths of desolation and from there rising to the heights of the presence of God, where we delight in His grace.

This path leads from darkness to light, from death to life, from desolation to the bliss of being united with the Spirit of the Lord. It is the path of our personal Easter, which we live each time we approach the Person of Christ. When we become accustomed to the ascent from our pit to a place nearer to Christ, we are initiated into the mystery of His Passover.

Therefore, we must not be despondent or disheartened when we are down, but we must take advantage of the great privilege it offers us to make a new beginning. We must not diminish our inspiration nor lose this continual increase, this perpetual ascent, so that we may sing a new song of love and gratitude in the presence of the Lord.

We think that our lack of stability is a great calamity and at times we lose hope and our heart breaks into pieces. However, at this moment we must cry out from our heart and confess our poverty and desolation to God. Then the Lord will unfailingly extend His hand and lead us on the way. Then we will receive a new beginning, a new grace, and we will pray with new gratitude to our Redeemer.

Even great saints could not avoid instability.

— Excerpt from: Wavering in Quest of the Kingdom Which Cannot Be Moved (p. 15-16)